10 reasons why you should not go out and run

Posted on March 4, 2014

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I will run in my dreams, much safer.

1. I am tired, I didn’t sleep enough last night.  Of course you shouldn’t run if you are tired.  The epidemic of runners asleep at the shoe should alarm you enough to avoid this dangerous practice.  Besides, if you run, you’ll be even more tired, and might fall asleep too easily tonight, meaning you’ll be more likely to run the next day. We want to avoid that. 

2. I might be getting sick, I feel like a tickle or something. Clearly, one of the safest things you can do for your health is to avoid all forms of exercise.

3. I really don’t think I can fit it into my schedule. I have this one window, but if I sit here and think about it and hem and haw long enough, it will certainly be too short.  No one has time to run! Runners are maniacs who obviously have crooked priorities.

4. It’s laundry day, I don’t have the right running outfit. For starters, no one thinks its okay to run in unfashionable rags, like a tshirt, how gauche. And that “iffy” pile on the floor that isn’t quite in the hamper or the closet, well, you couldn’t possibly wear any of that to get all sweaty in right before a shower! Best to wait until all of your dress run gear gets back from the cleaners.

5. I think I need new shoes.  I’m sure your current shoes would not be at all safe for one more run.  As we all know, they reach a certain mileage and then just SNAP! You do NOT want to let this happen on the road, there may be children nearby.

6. It’s really cold out there.  The very best way to warm up is to sit and shiver on the couch while drinking a cold beer. Getting your circulation going and deep breathing pure clean air just might ruin your life.

7. I don’t have anyone to run with.  Well, who is going to volley the stride back to you?  I mean, you’ll just have to forfeit. Sucks for your record, but gosh, if no one else shows up, what are you going to do? Listen to music? Enjoy the out of doors? Look at nature and think? Yuck!

8. I might get too skinny. Also, I heard exercise makes you fat. One thing all runners should be terrified about is the physical change their bodies might undergo. Muscle tone? GROSS! 

9. I just finished eating. or I’m just about to eat. Timing your meal to run ratio can be very tricky.  You don’t want to get a cramp and drown just as land shark comes running up beside you.  And if you get too hungry, you’ll never have the strength to hunt and spear that buffalo you’ve been tracking all week to feed the village.  Americans really never have enough options to get the chance to eat. 

10. It’s just that I don’t feel it today. Well, let me tell you how you’re going to feel tomorrow.  If you run, you might sleep better, feel better, look better, and be motivated and encouraged to do it again. And this is exactly the kind of thinking we are trying to avoid.  What would life be like if we all had clear skin, fit legs, and a healthy cardiovascular system?  I mean talk about messing up health care in America, can you imagine if everyone just starting running ALL the TIME and we didn’t need to use it? Now that’s just crazy talk.

I hope I have convinced you of the dangers of running.  If you can think of more reasons not to get out there, please post in the comments. I want to help as many people out there as I can with the vital safety information. And if you really want to risk it anyway after reading all of these precautions, well, then…

Happy Running Out There!

 

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